it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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