By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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