Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
