I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
