living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
