My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I didn't notice because vodka
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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