i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
