Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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