It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
