So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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