You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize