I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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