If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
