are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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