Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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