I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
