I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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