I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I miss vodka workout Fridays
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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