wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
