I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
