sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
