Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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