All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
