I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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