I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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