My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
