Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
