At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
