I am spending my child support on dildos
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
