I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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