the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
