shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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