I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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