dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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