When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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