he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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