I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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