Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
