Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
