Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
