How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
