There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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