my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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