My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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