Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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