please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
