You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
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I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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