If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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