I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
