We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
