I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
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woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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