my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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