I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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