god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He shit in the fireplace
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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