He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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