Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We need to get me chipped asap
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
